Joffe: Burner Betting Accounts, Longshot Bets and (Maybe) a Big Score

Joffe: Burner Betting Accounts, Longshot Bets and (Maybe) a Big Score article feature image

James Carey Lauder-USA TODAY Sports. Pictured: Vegas Golden Knights

It’s no secret that I’m a big fan of huge underdog bets. In life I’m not usually a huge risk taker (on purpose). You’ll never catch me skydiving, eating pufferfish or skiing a double black diamond. It’s the same with betting. I can’t usually stomach high-risk, high-reward wagers.

I am, however, a HUGE fan of low-risk, high-reward propositions, and taking huge dogs is right in my wheelhouse. Sure, they don’t hit that often, which is why I limit my bankroll on them, but it’s a rush when they work out.

Thanks to the Vegas Golden Knights as well as Liverpool Football Club, I have a good shot of feeling that rush in the next couple weeks.


Everyone Needs a “Burner” Betting Account

OK, maybe not everyone, but I — I need a burner account (or two). Years ago I opened accounts at a couple of books that I eventually no longer used, but I didn’t feel like going through the effort of withdrawing the money (clearly it wasn’t a huge amount), so I decided to gamble the accounts down to zero.

Well, it’s been about five years since I put any money in those accounts, and they’re still alive and kicking, so something is working. That “something” is my ridiculous big-dog bets and futures.

If Not the Kings Then How About the Knights?

Back in October when I was looking at NHL futures, I started at the bottom of the list and of course couldn’t look past the new expansion team, the Golden Knights. Never, ever, has an expansion team come roaring out in Year 1 in ANY sport and competed for a championship, so it’s no wonder the odds were 250/1. (They were as high as 500/1 at some Vegas books.) Given that my goal is to bet these accounts down to zero, how could I not make that bet?

I also took my beloved LA Kings (RIP).

I was 100% sure I was going to lose my Vegas bet and even forgot about it until I went to look at MLB futures in March and realized, “Holy s—t! I’ve actually got a chance!” But even then I didn’t actually think it was a good one. Cut to today, and the Knights are ACTUALLY GOING TO THE STANLEY CUP FINALS!!!

Vegas Golden Knights Future

That’s right, ya girl has a shot courtesy of one of her dumb long-shot bets.

Serial Winning

Clearly this isn’t the first time I’ve won a big-dog bet (as I’ve mentioned plenty of times). Otherwise these burner accounts would have been at zero years ago. It’s bets like my Howard moneyline at +26,500 or Summer Olympics moneylines at +10,000 that have kept me alive in the past.

Olympic Big Dogs

Thanks to my Golden Knights ticket, I have a chance to cash once again this month.

And that doesn’t even take into account my futures bet on Liverpool Football Club.

Mo Salah Make You Holla?

I’d like to tell you a lot of research went into picking Liverpool, but the truth is that in researching my family history recently I discovered that some of my ancestors lived in Liverpool. I’ve never really had a soccer team, so I was thrilled to use my newfound heritage as an excuse to pick them.

The odds for them to win the UFEA Championship could have been 696,969/1 or 10/1 and I still would have taken Pool.

I made only four futures bets for the UFEA Championship, and two of them were on Liverpool (+2800 and later +3350). I bet on them twice (I’m assuming) because after my initial bet I thought they still presented value at even longer odds. The two others were Feyenoord at +100,000 and FC Copenhagen at +75,000.


I couldn’t pass those up for obvious reasons. I didn’t even know what country Feyenoord was in until five minutes ago, to be honest. But, as Kevin Malone says, “If someone gives you 10,000/1 on anything, you take it.”


He’s my spirit animal.

“If John Mellencamp Ever Wins an Oscar …”

I’m not going to be a very rich dude if either of these teams wins. I’m a degenerate, but I’m not stupid, so I didn’t risk a whole lot.

But if either team hits, then my “burner” accounts will once again have replenished themselves, and my big-dog betting will continue unabated for yet another year.

NFL futures, here I come!

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