Joffe: You Should Gamble on Jay Cutler’s Reality TV Performance
- "Very Cavallari" is a new show on E! -- it's addicting.
- Jay Cutler thrives in his role as "NFL has-been."
- These are the props you should bet on weekly to make the best new show on TV even better.
It’s so close to football season I can taste it. OK, that’s a lie. But in these slow summer months I’m getting my betting fix from an unlikely source: E!
Not the drug, Sickos. I’m referring to the first season of a future American classic: “Very Cavallari.”
Yeah, I’m as shocked as you are, but it’s true. Kristin and her resting-bitchface husband Jay Cutler are providing me with a tiny dose of football every Sunday night, and I’m so desperate I’ll take it.
I won’t go into too detailed of a discussion about the show, mostly because I couldn’t care less about the manufactured plot lines (sorry, not sorry), but the gist is that Jay’s wife Kristin has a brand (Uncommon James) and is opening a store in Nashville. She’s “hired” a few employees, and the show follows Cavallari’s cohorts, along with Kristen and Jay (although not nearly enough).
The most annoying person she’s “hired” is a redhead named Shannon, who at 24 years old is convinced that she’s a social media marketing expert (pour vodka into a tall glass, chug the entire thing). Fun fact: Shannon used to date Chicago Bears lineman and former Jay Cutler teammate Kyle Long. Another fun fact: I’d rather only listen to a scratched Nickelback CD for the rest of my life than spend 10 minutes alone in a room with her.
Anyway, the greatest person on the show, surprisingly, is Jay Cutler.
The show needs more Jay and less of everyone else. Jay seems to agree. There are quite a few NFL fans who can’t seem to get over the disliking of Jay the “quarterback” to enjoy Jay the “retired husband,” but they’re definitely missing out.
I’m praying E! is re-cutting future episodes to include more Jay, but since there are only bits of him mixed in, I’ve decided to turn “Very Cavallari” into a gambling game to quench my thirst.
Here are some prop bets to use weekly when watching America’s newest hit show. My recommendation? Turn this into a weekly drinking game or a way to spice up your Sunday night with your significant other. (Thank you to Barstool Chief for his help in coming up with some of these.)
Prop: Number of times Jay rolls his eyes
Jay and I feel the same way about most of Kristin’s employees. Cutler hates other human beings, especially dumb ones, making this over an intriguing weekly play…
Prop: Times Jay says something to Kristin that he has to apologize for
Kristin actually seems very at peace with her husband. I don’t know if this is normal; it could just be part of the agreement she made with him to allow cameras into their home. But it’s definitely surprising. That being said, there are still times when he says something that pisses her off and warrants an apology. So let’s bet on that, shall we?
Prop: Number of times Jay talks about, watches or refers to animals (NOT including their dogs)
So far we’ve seen Jay:
- Watch his buddy Dale (a deer) eat on a camera he’s set up in an unknown location
- Claim most of the fish in his fish tank are “thriving” despite the fact that he’s already had to replace most of them.
- Bust out binoculars mid-drive to check out some birds. (Bears fans wish he did the same thing before throwing into double coverage against the Eagles, Falcons or Cardinals)
- Brought goats to his house to fertilize his lawn.
- Taken Kristin to see a house he wants to buy and hinted that he’ll get chickens for the chicken coop if she moves there.
This prop would be a tough call week in and week out.
Prop: Times Kristin complains Jay doesn’t do anything
Retirement Jay teaches you a lot about Professional Football Jay. He makes it clear on numerous occasions that he doesn’t want to work, and it’s strangely endearing when he does it.
The dude made millions and makes it clear that he’s rich and wants to be a lazy piece of shit. I can respect that.
On the flip side, laziness can be extremely unpleasant for people who have to live with it. Kristin often finds ways to remind Jay of this. The under would be a safe play most weeks, but the over would occasionally cover in the first five minutes of an episode …
I was never a huge “Laguna Beach” fan, but Cavallari is entertaining, and this show really is addicting in all the best ways. The best part though, by far, is retired Cutler.
It turns out he was never meant to be a great quarterback; his calling all along was “reality TV superstar.”