2020 Masters Choose Your Own Adventure, Patrick Reed vs. Jon Rahm: The Commish

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Harry Trump/Getty Images. Pictured: Patrick Reed, Jon Rahm

“Sir, did I by chance happen to see a cell phone in your pocket?”

You’re frozen. This is the moment of truth. You’ve been at Augusta National only a few hours, enough to buy some souvenirs and food, then watch exactly two tee shots, and now you’re about to be ejected. Forever, too. They’ll probably paste your mugshot at every security entrance now, just so you’ll never try to sneak back in.

There’s no way around it. Your goose is cooked, as they say. Might as well fess up.

“Yeah, it is,” you say, finally looking at the questioner and instantly recognizing him.

It’s NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, standing with ex-quarterback Peyton Manning, each of them wearing their green jackets as members of Augusta National.

“I’m sorry,” you stammer. “It’s just that, uh, I don’t know…”

Goodell cuts you off.

“I’m not even mad,” the commissioner says. “That’s amazing.”


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You wonder for a split-second whether you should ask him if he actually meant to quote Ron Burgundy or that was just a coincidence, but your thoughts are cut off by Manning.

“Anyone making a move on the board?” he asks, as if it’s the most natural thing in the world for a couple of Augusta National members to catch a spectator with a cell phone and just start talking golf with them. He then shakes his head and glumly explains, “We had to leave our phones in the locker room.”

You cautiously reach into your left pocket, still unsure if their friendliness is some ruse designed to expose your crime, and take out the phone. You click on the Masters app and tell them, “A few of the early guys are 4-under, but nobody is making a run at the leaders yet.”

The commish and the QB nod in unison, as if that information is what they’d already suspected.

Then Goodell speaks up.


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